when morning comes, I crawl out of bed and start in on another day. getting through each day is exhausting physically and mentally, and I hate and detest the fact that I have to start the process all over again when I open my eyes in the morning. it's annoying as hell that I have to work so hard and spend so much energy just to get through a day. I have to keep reminding myself that even the strongest athlete cannot run a marathon every single day. I push when I can, but there are days where all I can do is carve a deeper rut into the seat of my recliner with my ass.

sometimes I have to escape the world the rest of you live in and go away for a while into the far recesses of my head. it's a land of fantasy and make believe, a place where everything is right with the world and life is good. there is no pain, the noise of the world is gone, and my soul is filled with joyous music. I'm thankful that I've been able to do this, to be able to retreat into a protected area of my existence where I can find shelter from this constant assault. 

It took quite a while to find this inner shelter, and it's hard sometimes to leave its safety to return back to this world. but it's a safe harbor, a place where I can retreat to when it's all too much to take. it sounds certifiably nuts to say this, but I must retreat into my own head and cower in a dark corner just to keep my fucking sanity. it sounds bizarre to verbalize this, as I imagine people have been labeled crazy and locked up in a rubber room for saying similar things, but it's true. I go there quite often.. that way I don't have to listen to my own screams....