the medical community has proven frustrating and hopeless. their answer to all of this is mind numbing drugs. I've lost too many years of my life wandering around in a fog, and I refuse to lose any more of my life that way. I cannot, in good conscience, allow myself relief from this pain at the expense of my mind and my soul- that is just not acceptable at all. 

pain is very powerful- it reduces me to my most primitive self. when it is strong, I cannot move, I cannot function as a human being. the world becomes a loud, confusing place, and it's tough to try to make sense of  the simplest of things. my brain swims in confusion, simple concepts and thoughts totally escape me. I feel like a wounded animal, awaiting my end sometimes. 

we are born, we become old, we become frail, and we die. the world will continue on, and in the grand scheme of things, I will not be missed by the world as a whole. there are those that I am close to that will miss me when I'm gone, but I'm just one small cog in that big wheel of life. the world has operated like this for a very long time, and it will be that way for generations to come. I now understand life on a level that many will simply never grasp, and a person should never have to know the truth I discovered... it was a powerful revelation to say the least.

there are days that I am as helpless as the day I was born. I cannot hold my head upright, I have problems walking, I can't deal with things that even a small child has mastered. those are the days I must go away inside my head to escape. I do not subscribe to the macho man theory at all, however I do try my best to tough it out, to "take it like a man". I cry when I need to cry..  and once they start, the tears are very hard to stop. I have my reasons to cry. god damn it, I've been horribly cheated, and I've lost so much of my life because of this monster. 

my wife Jill has stuck with me through all of this crap and has suffered right along with me. she knows that I hurt, but even after all these years, I doubt she is aware of how far reaching this constant pain affects me. I try to put on a good front, to appear as normal as possible. She knows I hurt, but honestly, she just doesn't know the depths of the suffering I go through. I do my best to try to act like the happy man I was before. and apparently I've done a hell of a job. If she ever reads this, she's going to be totally shocked. I've been living a lie, and I hate.. I simply HATE it, but I do it out of pure love. 

thankfully, she's stayed with me through some very difficult times. I'm angry as hell that she's been cheated out of happiness too. at one point I told her that I would understand if she wanted to leave. I actually said that to her out loud one day, and that was the most difficult thing that I've ever done in my life. I was hurting so badly that I thought that my life was over. I could somewhat accept what I was forced to deal with, but it killed me to see her hopes and dreams tossed away along with my health. yet she decided to stay.. something I still can't fathom, but I thank god for her every single night when I crawl into bed and snuggle up next to her. I've been very fortunate to be married to an angel who is here by my side day by day. 

sweetheart- I'm so sorry that things turned out this way, you have no idea how it breaks my heart. I wanted to give you so much more than this. but if we stick together, we will make the best of it. and thank you for still loving me when most of the fun in me has died. very few people play with toys that are broken, and I am truly blessed.

in sickness, and in health... till death do us part..