the beast resides deep inside me. It has a name, but speaking it's name gives it power, and I refuse to give it any more power than it already has over me. besides, the name I have for it isn't very polite to repeat in front of others. 

I deal with a bizarre mix of both chronic and acute pain. when one flares up, it sets the other one off and feeds a vicious cycle. my flesh has become a woven mass of tightly interlocked fibers, ripping and tearing away from each other with movement. my spine has become a stack of unstable blocks, my muscles are very weak and locked in in constant knots and spasms, my flesh is hypersensitive to touch. heat is my best friend- cold and dampness is my worst enemy. I used to enjoy rainy days, since it's vital to the survival of our planet, but it's the last thing I care to experience. if it's raining, I'm hurting- I'm a human barometer from hell now.

on warm, sunny days, I strip naked and expose myself to the open sky and the heat of the sun, allowing it to warm my body, the invisible infrared rays penetrating deep into my flesh. it's truly one of the most satisfying things I can do, getting relief down deep into the depths of my flesh that I need. it's warm, it relaxes, and it's wonderful for as long as it lasts. I have heating pads in all shapes and sizes, but nothing man-made can achieve the deep penetrating heat that I need.  like so many other things in life, nature provides the best solution. 

I constantly crave a caring, gentle, soothing, healing touch, but the touch is unable to break through the many layers of pain to reach my inner self. I crave a hug, and the hug simply hurts to receive. I hate the fact that I have such a difficult time feeling pleasure any more. for me to be able to feel pleasure, it has to be even more powerful and intense than this constant pain. try to imagine pleasure powerful enough to override pain. I know, it's pretty difficult, if not impossible. pleasure that intense, whether mental, physical or a combination of the two is so very difficult to find. Needless to say, it's horribly frustrating, and it takes it's toll on one's love life. it's impossible to make love sometimes. when an intimate moment turns ugly, there is no one to blame but the invisible beast. it's not fair...