Sometimes I'm amazed that people can't see lightning bolts or sparks flying off of me when I'm in the middle of a flare-up. it's a secret, silent hell, not obvious to the casual observer. 

I'm not looking for sympathy at all, so please- save it for someone who needs it. I'm just trying to share what it is that makes me who I am today, a very graphic illustration of my life. If you have good health and live a pain free life, celebrate and cherish it. every day that you can live like you do now is a blessing.

a quick history: 
I blew out a series of disks in my neck from an accident at work, and  I had them fused. the fusion didn't work, it collapsed, so it had to be done again, and this time they took a donor bone from my leg to stick into my neck. in the process of getting to the leg bone, they cut through the nerve in my leg. now it literally feels crushed flat,  it's always on fire. I honestly expect to see flames, but it's nerve damage. it's just excruciating, it's pain for no reason. I now walk with a cane because of a doctors stupidity. but that's another long story... one that I've fought hard to forget.

the second fusion  also collapsed, but thankfully the plates they installed has helped to keep things somewhat solid, but there is still shifting and movement of the vertebra, and there is still nerve compression taking place. my body is covered with muscles that are in constant, chronic spasm. I have knots in muscles in places I never knew I had muscles.  I've got dozens of trigger points, which are hypersensitive areas that are simply excruciating to live with. all in all, it's a living hell.

since the surgeries, I've developed arthritis of the spine as well as Fibromyalgia, which is a really rude, painful soft tissue disease. to put it in simple terms, all of the soft tissue in my body is now tightly adhered to the rest- almost as if someone put my entire body through a 3 dimensional zig-zag sewing machine that goes in every direction possible, connecting everything in my body with everything else with tight fibers. It's similar to scar tissue in a way, and when I move, I can feel the fibers tear and rip. it really is a bizarre thing to experience.  my skin is now incredibly hypersensitive to touch, to the point that at times clothing hurts. sheets on my naked body as I lay in bed hurts. it's such a strange thing to deal with.

Fibromyalgia has some strange symptoms- my head swims in confusion, simple words are hard to speak sometimes. I live with what we've termed "Fibrofog", where sometimes you've just got a brain that refuses to clear up enough to think. I do odd things like put ice cream into the cupboard. my brain just isn't clear most of the time, and it's amazing that I get by as well as I do sometimes. I am chronically fatigued, I'm left totally exhausted at the end of the day. energy is something that comes very rarely these days. there's not a lot of my body that's not affected one way or another by this combination of problems..  

I have tried dozens upon dozens of drugs, both to try to reduce the pain and to help with the Fibromyalgia symptoms, but they were either a total waste of time, or the side effects weren't worth it. I've literally lost years of my life due to a drug induced stupor. And that's just not acceptable to me at all. sorry, but that just ain't living.

so let's see- my muscles are in chronic spasm and are really weak, my bones are crumbling, my joints are either welded together or inflamed with arthritis, my entire body is adhering to itself at a microscopic level, my brain suffers from memory loss and brain fog due to the FMS and pain, I have problems sleeping, and I'm chronically fatigued.  So what's left you ask? My mind! I still have my mind! Boy...  now I'm really in trouble. <grinning>

but I've learned to live with it.  some days are better than others, some days are worse. I cope, and I've done a pretty damned good job so far. there are days when I am totally useless... I just want to curl up into a ball, close my eyes, and hide from the world... I want to make it all go away. 

I always wanted more out of life than an existence like this..