{why I scream}

a look into my daily existence 

over the years, I've tried to explain what I go through day to day with words.....

.....but sometimes words are simply useless. there are no words to convey certain things.

I am a man without pretense- I am direct and to the point. I do not have time to dance around things, I have neither the time nor the energy for that. In order to survive, I have stripped myself of the social lubricant that others expect me to use in many situations. I deal with life in a very raw, uncolored way. 

I've been wanting to do this for quite some time now, but the mood and the timing just wasn't right. But today, I was inspired to do it.  I'm just tired of the portrayal of  my life being a flat out  lie.  This is an honest, intimate look- raw and exposed, since that is all that I am any more, and you will see me for what I am, nothing more, nothing less. I am without wrapping paper and bows. This is the true me, nothing but raw nerve and emotion, it's me in my purest form. I'm trying to get across something very personal and very powerful in my life, and it's very difficult to explain. dealing with constant pain has a way of twisting  your brain into a merry go round of reality.

this is the best way I could think of to let you see who I am, what I am, and what I deal with on my bad days. I prepared this gallery with words to help you to understand. I am not alone with this, there are hundreds of thousands of people that deal with pain every day. we suffer an invisible disability, and that makes it hard for people to understand. I am taking a lot of chances with this gallery, but it's something I must do, something I need to do.

 I am tired of hiding behind a mask of false pretenses. if you explore the rest of this website, you will see me portrayed as a very happy go lucky person, that is my online persona, the illusion I present to the world. this gallery will show you who I am when the smiling mask that I place on my face for the comfort of others is removed.

the world is filled with people that don't care, that can't care. I  understand that, since it takes energy and commitment to truly care. whether or not you care makes no difference to me at all in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't.

but I hope that you can at least try to understand. 

creating these pages was healing- I was able to express a lot of things in a way that I've never been able to do before. I hope it reaches you the way I intended. I experienced something wonderful working on this- I feel cleansed, I feel renewed, I feel as if a tremendous weight was removed from my heart. it feels good to be free of the heavy, fake happy faced mask that I feel forced to wear to make the world more comfortable with my presence. maybe by having to try to verbalize things, it caused me to categorize my deepest, darkest thoughts. maybe it was because I was forced to sort through things, pigeonhole ideas, or prioritize my emotions. I'm not sure exactly what was involved, but I feel a great sense of relief and accomplishment by doing this. I hope you walk away with something positive from viewing it. damn it, it hurts like hell just for me to survive. In the grand scheme of things, it's a very small scream on this planet; my screaming won't change the world, but I must scream anyway. 

Usually, you're discouraged from staring at something ugly, it's simply not polite. But I hope you take the time to stare and study and more importantly- to think. Life is fragile;  my life changed in a fraction of a second, and yours could change the same way. it happens to good people and bad people, young and old. sadly, it's just a matter of time until you're forced to face a life changing experience. so as you explore the following pages, take the time to reflect on your good fortune, and learn to enjoy the simple things in your life. that's what this gallery is all about. 

the following pages are not intended to be 
viewed by anyone under the age of 18  
If you are easily emotionally upset, 
please click here to leave now.

 I'm opening myself up to try to present what it is that is the essence of my being, to see what is a very big part of my everyday life. It's not pretty, it's not enjoyable, but it's me... 

Enter